


Hargreeves Christmas Heist

by b99detectivealpaca



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Family Fluff, Gen, Heist, I hope you like it!, Inspired by Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV), Mild Language, No Incest, Oh also, Oh and Also, Secret Santa, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, and there're also no sparrow academy, ben is alive in this, but that's not till chapter 4, but this is my secret santa gift, ew can't believe i had to put that in the first place, family chaos, hey to my secret santa!, i hope you like what i did for you!, mentions of smoking, so yeah this is stolen from b99, we stan one (1) chaotic family in this house, why? because i said so, why? because i'm an unoriginal bitch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:29:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28279932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/b99detectivealpaca/pseuds/b99detectivealpaca
Summary: As part of an annual tradition from when they were children, the Hargreeves siblings would partake in an annual Christmas heist. This was the very first heist they had been able to do in nearly 20 years, so they were all pretty excited.
Relationships: Allison Hargreeves & Everyone, Ben Hargreeves & Everyone, Diego Hargreeves & Everyone, Klaus Hargreeves & Everyone, Luther Hargreeves & Everyone, Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy) & Everyone, The Hargreeves Family, Vanya Hargreeves & Everyone
Comments: 5
Kudos: 20





	1. The Introduction

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Glass_O_Lemonade](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glass_O_Lemonade/gifts).



> hey! so this is my gift for @Glass_O_Lemonade as part of the TUA secret santa gift exchange! i really hope you like it!

Vanya walked into the living room with a triangle and chimed it cutely. “Attention, everyone!” 

“Hmm, pretty dainty way to make an announcement,” Allison quipped.

“Well, you know, I wanted to find a way to make an announcement that was respectful.”

“Also prevents you from blowing up the moon again, so thank you,” Five chimed in.

As part of an annual tradition from when they were children, the Hargreeves siblings would partake in an annual Christmas heist. This was the very first heist they had been able to do in nearly 20 years, so they were all pretty excited.

“As I was saying,” Vanya continued, “It’s time for… what number heist is this again?” As previously stated, they hadn’t held a heist in almost 20 years. They all murmured in confusion as they tried to figure out how many heists they had done.

“Ah, whatever, I’ll just say a random number. Anyways, it’s time for round four of the Christmas--”

Air horns began blaring as Ben ran in. The rest of the siblings were quick to cover their ears. “What’s up, fam?” Ben said gleefully. “Ben Hargreeves here to announce to you that tonight is the night for the Christmas--”

“Heist,” Luther finished him off. “Vanya already went over this.”

“What? Vanya, what are you doing? I always announce the heist.”

“Yeah, Vanya, what the hell are you doing?” Klaus chimed in.

“Damn it Ben, we did a coin flip,” Vanya responded. “And, maybe next time, don’t come bouncing in with party horns when you have a Russian sister capable of blowing up the moon.”

“Shame on you, sis, you knew I was gonna announce the heist regardless.” Vanya smiled at her goofy brother’s antics. “But that doesn’t matter. What matters is, the Christmas heist? IT IS ON!” All the siblings, including Vanya, cheered in excitement. “Now, shall we begin?”


	2. Rules, Teams, and an Argument About Roller Skates

“Okay, dear brother,” Allison said, “Care to tell us what the prize for this year’s Christmas heist is?” 

“Gladly,” Ben said, whipping out a plaque with a golden bird. “We’ll be playing for this: A plaque that says, ‘The Ultimate Sibling/Genius.’”

“All of you should quit now,” Diego said. “I am gonna stop on your dreams.”

“Aw, Diego,” Vanya said. “It’s fun to see you so passionate.”

“I will slit you open from mouth to anus and wear you like a jacket.”

“Huh,” Ben said, “Is it weird that that turned me on a little bit?” The siblings awkwardly nodded with cringed expressions.

“Doesn’t matter. Let’s move on. The plaque will be stored in this.” Ben took off a tarp and unveiled a caboodle. Vanya immediately recalled it. “Is that my childhood caboodle?”

“It most certainly is, but don’t worry. I’ve removed all of your scrunchies, violin note sheets, and photos of young Hillary Clinton. I’m better looking than her anyways.”

“We’re talking about a young Hillary Clinton?” Vanya said, struggling to hold in her laughter. “You do make me laugh, Ben.”

“Mkay, stings a little bit. The caboodle will be secured with this brand new lock.” Ben put the lock on the caboodle and handed the key to Five, who opened the window and basically threw the key into oblivion.

“Okay, good enough. The caboodle will be placed in the center of the foyer. Whoever possesses the plaque at midnight will be declared the winner.”

“Yep, and to make it harder, no powers will be allowed,” Diego said. “If you use them, it’s an automatic disqualification. Now, let’s pick teams.”

“I have way too much stuff to do,” Luther said. “You can just count me out this year.” Vanya chuckled and Ben tutted. “Interesting.” “Hah, sweet little Luther.”

“What?”

“How naive do you think we are?” Diego asked. “You’re ‘not’ participating so you can sneak under our noses and steal a victory. It’s an old move we used in previous heists.”

“I’m going to my room,” Luther said. “Heists are dumb,” he remarked as he stormed out.

“Wow,” Vanya said, “so aggressive.”

“I know, could you believe it?” Ben said. “Anyways,it’s time to choose from the remaining siblings. Vanya, since you're the shortest, you go first.”

Vanya smiled. Finally, being tiny came in handy. “I choose Five.”

“Perfect,” Five said as he walked up next to his sister.

“I choose Klaus.” Diego said. Ben's eyes immediately widened in shock. “What?”

“What’s the matter, Ben? Were you hoping to have Klaus on your team? Have I thrown a wrench into your plans?”

“Absolutely not,” Ben said, clearly lying. “I’m just surprised because you have a strong connection with Allison. But, I’m glad she’s on my team. I had absolutely nothing planned for Klaus.”

Alas, once the heist began, Allison and Ben stood in Allison’s room, and Ben was freaking out. “I totally had everything planned for Klaus, this is a nightmare!”

“Hey!” Allison said in an offended tone. “What can Klaus do that I can’t?”

“Roller skate like an angel?”

“Whore, I’m great on skates. Or are you forgetting that time we all snuck out to Marty’s Roller Skating and Bowling Barn?”

“I have definitely forgotten that.”

“Well, I roller skated like a pro, and then, if I remember, I crushed you all at bowling. It was awesome. My point is, I can do anything Klaus can.”

“Except look exactly like the body double I got for him. Larry, you can come out now.”

A lookalike of Klaus slid out of Allison’s closet, creeping her out. “Hi.”

“Okay, yeah, this pasty white guy is gonna be a problem.”

In another room, Five and Vanya were staring at the caboodle from the window. Vanya began to speak, “So I believe that the key to good teamwork is an equal exchange of ideas--”

“Stop,” Five said. “I already know you have a plan.” Vanya scoffed. “But I want to win. So for the next eight hours, I’m down with all of your nerdy crap. Where’s the binder?”

“All right then,” Vanya said, pulling a chain of keys out of her pocket. “But it’s not a binder, it’s a virtual binder. And it’s encrypted on this flash drive.”

“That’s my girl,” Five said, as he and Vanya high-fived. “Now where’s the 3D model of the foyer?”

“Inside of the key chain,” Vanya said. “It’s a freakin’ hologram.”

“Perfect.”

Diego and Klaus stood in another room, also staring at the caboodle. “All right, Diego. So, how are we gonna do it?”

“Here’s everything you need to know,” Diego sqaid, pulling out a piece of paper and handing it to Klaus. Klaus read it with a confused look on his face. “It’s blank.”

“It’s a metaphor. You don’t get anything, you lose. Adios, brother.”

“But we’re teammates! You chose me!” Klaus said, shocked at the betrayal of his brother.

“You’re too close with Ben, I can’t trust you! I only chose you so I could ruin his plans. And now that you’ve done your job, you’re no longer needed.”

Klaus scoffed. “I feel so used! Am I just a piece of meat to you?”

“Yes,” Diego clapped back. “Now put on a smile, porkchop.” Klaus crossed his arms with a childish pout on his face.

Having transferred to another room in the living room, Ben managed to make do with Allison as his partner. He noticed one crucial detail. “As expected, all eyes are on the caboodle. It’s go time.” He gestured to his sister. “Now, Allison.”

“You got it!” she said, pretending to fall to the floor, as she and Larry switched places. Larry was wearing the exact same clothes as her, along with a brown wig. Larry had his back to the door so he wouldn’t look suspicious.

“Looks like nobody’s onto us,” Ben said, still watching from the door window. “Go, Allison.” As he said this, Allison crawled away and exited out the back door. Ben figured he might as well stall. “So, Larry, do you have a real job, or…?”

“I’m the third in a lot of marriages,” Larry said. “I have a nice soft face, so I don’t intimidate the husbands.”

“Hm, strange, the random person I hired off the streets of the academy is a complete weirdo.”

“What?”

“What?” Ben said, trying to brush it off. “Never mind, there she goes.” Ben looked at Allison, crouched under Grace’s cleaning cart with roller skates on her feet.

“Now, Larry, the key here is that I woke up before everyone else and replaced the door handles with ones that lock from the outside.” Meanwhile, Allison, being wheeled around in their robot mother’s cleaning cart, was taken around the house, pressing the buttons of the door handles as she went by and effectively trapping Diego, Klaus, Five and Vanya in their rooms. Once all the doors were locked, Ben smiled.

“All right, Larry, the time is now. Show your face. Show your face to the world!” Larry turned, revealing to the rest of the siblings that he was not Allison. Ben had a big fat smile on his face, proudly pointing at his pawn. The rest of the siblings immediately noticed.

“What the hell? Vanya!” Five said, alerting his sister. Vanya ran to the window, looked at Larry, and gasped. Suddenly Allison appeared, poking up in front of them. She told them through the glass, “Pick your jaws up off the floor, ladies.”

Diego noticed Allison taunting Five and Vanya. “Where did Allison come from?” He asked, visibly confused.

“And here comes Ben! Whoo!” Ben smugly walked out his respective room in a top hat, and threw a handful of confetti into the air. “Welcome to the big show!” The siblings attempted to open their doors, but the handles wouldn’t budge. “I was gonna sneak the plaque out without anybody knowing, but then I figured it would be so much more fun to make you all watch. Now enjoy as I steal the plaque of destiny.” Ben made his way to the middle of the foyer, and with a can of compressed air spray, he froze the lock to the caboodle and noticed Five attempting to pick the lock in the room he and Vanya were in.

“Ah, trying to pick the lock, Numero Cinco? That’ll take at least three minutes, by which time I will have hidden this plaque somewhere you’ll never find it.” Ben pulled out a hammer and broke the lock, unlocking the caboodle and retrieving the plaque. “Voila.” With the plaque in his hands, Ben continued saying to Five, “Of course, you could just teleport out of the room, but you would never knowingly cheat at the rules of the game, would you?”

Unfortunately for Ben, Five didn’t come to play around. The youngest oldest brother grabbed a fire axe and projected it at the window, instantly shattering the glass. Ben made a major miscalculation, as destroying house property technically wasn’t against the rules of the heist.

“Well, misread that one,” Ben said. Without hesitation, he tossed the plaque to Allison, who caught it in her hands. “Ally, skate! Skate like the wind!”

Allison glided across the foyer in roller skates, attempting to get away from her siblings. Finally, Five managed to kick out a hole in the window large enough for him and Vanya to climb out of their room. Despite this, Allison continued skating.

“So long, suckers!” Allison said gleefully. But she too made a miscalculation, as she lost control of her skates and rammed her face right into a pillar in the living room. She groaned, obviously in pain. Five, Vanya and Ben immediately stopped in their tracks. 

“Oh my god!” Ben said, noticing her pain. “Allison, are you okay?”

Allison turned around, alarming her siblings as they could see that her mouth was bleeding, and her two front teeth were missing. “It’s cool! I’m fine! It’s nothing!” Normally this could be accounted for, but she said those words with a major lisp. That was not good.

“Totally, girl! You look awesome!” Ben said, obviously lying, but he didn’t know what else to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh-oh... looks like all allison wants for christmas is her two front teeth, hehe. i hope you're enjoying this so far!


	3. A Minor (Major?) Setback and a Pizza Heist

In the infirmary, after Grace inspected Number Three’s teeth, she came to a conclusion. “She’s chipped her two front teeth, she’ll need antibiotics to prevent an infection and then we can focus on fixing her teeth.”

“Ugh, it hurts so bad,” Allison said, still with a major lisp.

“I’m so sorry, Allison,” Ben said. “It should have been Klaus on those skates.” Klaus chimed in, “This is why you always skate with a helmet and a mouth guard.”

“Hey, hey, don’t blame the victim,” Luther said, standing with the siblings after hearing of Allison’s injury.

“I’m just so sick of roller skating’s dangerous image,” Klaus defended. “We’re not all bad boys.”

“All right, Allison, get up, we’re going to your room,” Ben said, but Allison immediately protested. “No, no, I’ll go alone. I don’t need anybody’s help.”

“And despite our natural instinct to stop everything, you want us to continue in your absence?” Five asked.

“Yeah, yeah, that’s fine,” Allison said, as Five cheered silently.

“Well, you heard the lady,” Diego said. “She’s insisting we go on. Let's mop up this blood and get back at it.”

“Wait, sorry, Diego, I don’t think that’s the best idea,” Vanya said. “The blood’s already dried up. We can just clean it up after.” “Oh, definitely.”

After everything was sorted up, and Allison went to her room, the rest of the siblings walked out to the foyer again.

“Ah, I love tonight,” Ben said. “However, there is the small issue of me losing my partner.” He turned over to Luther. “Now, Luther, I know that you were upset that no one picked you earlier.”

“That’s not what happened.”

“Regardless, please be my partner. Please, please, please, please, please!” Ben pleaded.

“No!” Luther said. “Heists are dumb, and I have work to do.”

“You’re dumb, and I have… heist to do,” Ben said. Luther stomped close to him, enough to intimidate him. “Jeez, overreacted, damn it!” Luther then walked away. But Ben wasn’t giving up. If 17 years of being dead taught him something, it was to never give up.

“You know what? Forget Luther. At the time of the accident, my team had the plaque, so i will just grab it and give myself a four-minute head start.”

“Hey, hey, not so fast,” Vanya said. “I say we put the plaque back in the caboodle and start over.” The rest of the siblings agreed with her.

“What? But my team had it first. Klaus, tell her.”

Klaus, however, did something no one would have expected. “No, Ben. We’re resetting.”

“Klaus, what are you saying?”

“The plaque… goes… back.” Betraying his ghost bitch really did a number on Klaus, as he fell right into Diego’s arms. Diego seemed to be incredibly satisfied. “Yes, porkchop, yes.”

Now, the heist was officially reset, with the plaque back in the caboodle and a new lock placed. Five was not kidding when it came to the heist. “I have eyes on Kristy, Stacey and Claudia,” he said, signaling to the rest of his siblings.

Vanya was surprised. “You used their code names. You read the plan, addenda and all!”

“Damn right, I did. I told you, I'm all in.”

“And you didn't make fun of me for basing it all on _The Baby-Sitters Club_.”

“And I even did your suggested reading of _Kristy's Big Day_." 

“You did?!”

“Jeez, calm down, Vanya. You're such a Mary-Anne.”

“I am! It's true!”

Diego and Klaus stood in their same room, once again spying on the caboodle.

“So, Klaus, I was actually pretty impressed with how you stood up to Ben and demanded to start over.”

“Of course, I’m team Diego all the way, bro. Also I’m kinda pissed at him for letting Allison sweat up my skates.”

“Well, maybe I can use a teammate after all. Are you sure I can trust you?”

“Of course I do, Diego. Of course I do.”

The brothers linked their arms together. “Let’s unleash hell,” Diego said.

“Thanks for coming back, Larry, I really needed a teammate,” Ben said, back to square one following Allison’s accident.

“Hey, man, you’re paying.”

“Yeah. You know you can take the wig off if you want,” Ben continued saying, as Larry was still wearing the Allison wig.

“Whatever you want, man, you’re paying.”

“Could you stop saying that, Lar? It's making me a little uncomfortable.”

“All right, man. It's your money.”

“That's the same thing. Hey, wait a minute.” Ben noticed something was off. A random man walked into the house and into the foyer with a box of pizza in his hand. “I got a pizza here for Diego Hargreeves,” he said.

“Woah, woah, woah, woah,” Ben said, storming out of his assigned room. “Diego hates pizza. He’s trying to distract us.

“No way!” Diego said, coming out of his room. “If I were trying to distract you, I would have sent you the pizza! You and your male prostitute must have set this up!”

“Hey, Larry is not a male prostitute, at least I don’t think.”

Then another strange man walked in, also carrying some pizza. “I got a pizza here for Diego Hargreeves,” he said, repeating the same words.

“What’s going on?” Vanya asked, walking out of her room, with a perplexed look on her face. And then two other strangers walked in as well. “I have a pizza here for Diego Hargreeves,” they said in unison. “All right, which one of you bozos did this?”

“Us?” Ben asked, while more and more pizzas arrived at the house. “Do you know how much planning it takes to get this many pizzas here at once? A binder full of planning. This has Vanya written all over it!”

“I’ll guard the plaque,” Diego said, walking towards the caboodle. 

“You’re not leaving my sight!” Vanya protested.

“Larry, can you see what’s going on? Do you have eyes on Klaus and Five?”

“I don’t know who anybody is!” 

“There’s too much pizza!” Klaus complained.

A voice that sounded like Five said, “I see Diego, I see Klaus, where’s Luther?”

“That’s it! I’m done!” Luther stormed out of the room and up the stairs.

“Aah! I’m getting bounced around like a pinball!”

“This is madness!”

“Who do you work for, pizza man?!”

Finally an air horn pierced the sky and silenced the clamoring. “Everyone with a pizza, get out!” Ben yelled.

But as every pizza delivery person walked out, the siblings were shocked. Whoever organized this was smart, as they all realized that the caboodle was open and the plaque was missing. 

“The caboodle!” “The caboodle! “The caboodle!”


	4. Cigarettes and a Fluffy Little Dog

Vanya, Ben, Klaus, and Diego all were looping around the caboodle, which was cracked open with a pair of bolt cutters. “I know one of you took the plaque,” Ben said. “And I swear on what used to be my grave, I’m not gonna let you get away with it.”

“Or It could be you, Ben, you love pizza,” Klaus claimed.

“It’s true,” Vanya said. “You had it for breakfast this morning.”

“When pizza’s on a bagel, you can have pizza anytime!”

“Well, it definitely wasn’t me and Klaus,” Diego said, “we already ate.”

“Autumn salads with farm-fresh squash,” Klaus said. “That's right, I'm catering for our team.”

“How can you cook?” Vanya asked.

All of a sudden, Five walked in, dragging Luther by his jacket. “Look who I found hiding in his room. This guilty son of a bitch.”

“Look, I promise it wasn’t me, I was just doing my work!”

“And what is that work you’ve been doing, Number One?” Vanya asked. “That’s none of your business.”

“Exactly. You’re suspect number one, Luther.”

“Whatever.”

“Whatever,” Diego mocked. “Spoken like a true criminal.”

“Still a long time till midnight,” Vanya said. “All I have to say is, whoever took that plaque, you better watch out. Come on, Five.” Vanya stormed away, with Five following suit. As the two walked, Five flicked Luther on the forehead, causing him to wince in pain.

“Come on, Klaus!” Klaus followed Diego.

“Come on… Larry.” Ben didn’t have Allison as a partner anymore, so he had to turn to the next best option.

Five and Vanya made their way to Vanya’s room. “Okay, was the operation a success?” Vanya asked.

Five pulled the plaque out of his blazer. “You tell me.” Vanya squealed in excitement. You heard it first, folks, Five and Vanya were the ones behind the pizza heist.

“I blended right in with the pizza guys,” Five said. “And with my bolt cutters, the lock snapped on the first try. Nobody saw me leave. Gotta hand it to you, beautiful plan.”

“Beautiful execution.”

“It’s kind of like we're our own baby-sitters club.”

“Excellent reference, brother. Did you by chance read the excerpt from _The Truth About Stacey_?”

“The one about the rival baby-sitters…”

“That get caught smoking cigarettes? Well, let's just say that these two baby-sitters aren't getting caught with squat.“ Vanya took the plaque and opened a vent in the corner of her room. “This is where I stash a few cigarettes on the rare occasion that I need one.” She placed the plaque on top of her cigarettes and closed the vent.

“That’s awesome. The hiding place, not the smoking. Mary-Anne is better than that.”

“She’s a work in progress,” Vanya admitted.

“Man, this is so frustrating,” Klaus said, “There’s no telling who has the plaque.”

“Five and Vanya have it,” Diego said instantly.

“What? How did you know?”

“It wasn’t that hard,” Diego said. “When Five walked in with Luther following ‘Zero Dark Pizzas’, I noticed he was holding his side, like when he had that shrapnel wound.”

“Right, which means that he was…”

Diego looked at his brother, visibly confused. “You trailed off and didn’t finish speaking.”

“...I don’t want to.”

“He was thrown off because he was hiding the plaque in his blazer. And I know exactly where it is, in Vanya’s secret cigarette stash.”

“And how do you know where that is?”

“She put it in her room. I love my sister, but she’s not so smart.”

“Except for the fact that she’s caused the apocalypse twice.”

“Yeah, but anyways, it’s now time to bring out the cutest weapon of them all.”

“I'm ready, Diego. I love the nickname,”

“No, not you,” Diego said, disgusted. “I’m talking about this guy right here,” as he lifted a small dog into his arms.”

“Where did you get that?”

“I found him in the alley, and for the past month I’ve been training him to retrieve objects. I don’t know what we’ll do afterwards, maybe we’ll keep him as the family dog.”

“Great idea,” Klaus said. Diego opened the vent in his own room and let the dog through, and the dog did what he had to do. He made his way to Vanya’s cigarette stash and grabbed the plaque with his mouth, then made his way back to Diego’s room. Plaque acquired.

“Damn it, time is running out,” Ben said. We got to stop playing by the rules and start playing dirty. Follow my lead, Larry.”

“Okay, but I should tell you now that my safe word is cabbage.”

“Why? You know what, never mind.” Ben noticed Klaus walking out of Diego’s room. “Hey, Klaus, get in here!”

Klaus made his way to Ben’s room, where Ben began to interrogate him. “What is Diego up to? Does he have the plaque? Does he know who does?”

“I'm not telling you that, Ben. I'm team Diego, and there's nothing you could say that will change that.”

“Okay, fine, then I guess I have a new best friend, and his name... is Larry.” Ben put his arm around Klaus’ lookalike.

“You’re not serious,” Klaus said in denial. “He’s just a prop for the heist.”

“Sure, it started out that way, but you know how these things go, spending time together, sharing intimate secrets, laughing about nothing in particular.” Ben chuckled elaborately, almost in a fake way. “Cabbage,” Larry whispered.

Finally, Klaus cracked. “Diego has the plaque. It’s in dad’s office in a box marked _‘Number Two 1995’_.

“Thanks, bud, we will always be best friends. You hear that, Larry? Nobody likes you!” Ben went over to his late father’s office, browsed through the boxes, and finally retrieved the plaque. “Ain’t she a beaut?”

“Sexy,” Larry commented.

“Immediately ruined it, Larry, immediately.”

Later, as Ben was lounging on the couch, Diego approached him. Imitating a clock, Diego went, “Tick, tock, tick, tock…”

“What is happening right now?” Ben asked, clearly confused.

“The last sands are running through the hourglass, tick, tock… because your time is running out, and you are never going to get the plaque.”

“Oh, Diego, stop,” Klaus said, running into the living room. “I just can’t let you embarrass yourself. I told Ben everything. He threatened to replace me, and I freaked out hard. I'm sorry.”

“It's okay. I knew you would betray me. That's why I fed you fake intel.”

“What?” Ben said.

“The plaque was never in _Number Two 1995_. As if i'd just put it in a box, by itself.”

“Are you trying to save yourself from utter humiliation?” Ben asked. “Because you did put the plaque in a box, by itself.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Then how do you explain this?” Ben asked, as he pulled his plaque out of the couch cushion and presented it to Diego and Klaus.

“I have no idea,” Diego said. “I put the plaque in my room. Hey, puppy?” At Diego’s command, the puppy he used to retrieve the plaque came to the living room with a plaque, identical to the one Ben had, in his mouth and gave it to Diego’s hands. Both Klaus and Ben looked in shock.

“Wait… if you have the plaque, and you have the plaque, then who has the plaque?”

“Hey there losers,” Five said, as he and Vanya walked in with Vanya also holding the exact same plaque. But they saw two plaques identical to theirs and stopped. “Wait, what the hell is going on? We have the plaque.”

“Yeah,” Vanya said. “We just got it out the vent to rub it in your faces.”

“That’s what she said,’ Klaus joked. “But what in the flying fuck is going on? Which of these plaques are real?”

Suddenly, the lights in the entire house went out, however everything that had a white color around the house began to glow a bright blue. “Blacklights. What the hell?”

“Oh my god, our mansion is disgusting,” Vanya remarked. She was right, fingerprints, sticky stains and invisible stains plagued the academy. They all groaned in disgust.

“Wait, look at the plaques,” Ben said, noticing that there was a singular word drawn across all three plaques.

“Are.” “Heists.” “Dumb.” “Are heists dumb? No, of course they aren’t. That was a stupid quiestion.”

But then Vanya and Diego switched plaques. “No, Ben, it says ‘heists are dumb’”.

That’s when they all connected the dots. “Luther!”


	5. Who Will Be Declared the Winner?

The rest of the siblings came storming into the basement where Luther was standing. He was over an open fire, burning all of his useless reports he sent to his dad during his time on the moon. But they didn’t care.

“The Oscar for Best Liar goes to you!” Ben said to him, pointing a finger.

“That’s not an Oscars category!” Luther pointed out. “What is going on?”

“Stop playing stupid with us,” Diego said. “Where’s the plaque?’

“For the last time, I don't know. I've been working here the whole time.”

“You’re considering arson as work?”

“It’s not arson,” Luther said. “I wanted to get rid of every single piece of Dad, because now I realize how much of a dick he was and I don’t want to talk about him ever again!”

“Aw, that’s kind of nice,” Vanya said. “But you can do that later. Where. Is. The. Plaque.”

“You know what, I don’t need this. I’m leaving.”

“You’re not going anywhere,” Five said, pulling out another fire axe.

“Where the hell did you get that?”

Then the lights went out again. “Luther’s trying to escape!”

“He had someone lock the door!” “Don’t let him out of your sight!”

Then the lights turned back on, and the siblings turned to find Allison, still missing her two front teeth, holding yet another plaque.

“Sup, losers! That’s right, I got the real plaque.” Yet with her lisp, she seemed completely energized.

“Allison! Of course!” Ben exclaimed “It all makes sense, except for the parts I don't understand and the fact that I still sorta think Luther did this.”

“Nope, it was all me. You see, when I was asked to order the plaque, I ordered three copies. And I already knew Diego would take any opportunity to ruin your plans, so I had that out of the way. And the next phase of my plan? A quote on quote, ‘skating accident’.”

“You knocked out your two front teeth for this?”

“Nope,” Allison said, pulling out a pair of fake teeth. “False teeth and fake blood. I lost my real teeth that time we snuck out to Marty’s Roller Skating and Bowling Barn.” 

“That’s why you made sure I didn’t remember!”

“It was after we did roller skating and moved on the bowling,” she said, her lisp absent after restoring her two front teeth. “That’s when Diego threw the bowling ball at me and it hit me in the face.”

“Oh, yeah, now I remember,” Diego said. “Sorry, sis.”

“Wait, but how did you get Grace to diagnose you without us learning the truth?” Klaus asked, the word “diagnose” is finger quotation marks.

“It actually wasn’t that hard,” Allison said. “Now that Sir Reginald Douchebag is gone, Grace can do whatever she wants.”

“Sir Reginald Douchebag is actually a fitting name for Dad,” Luther said, with the rest of the siblings nodding in agreement.

“Anyways, once I faked the skating mishap, I replaced the real plaque with a fake one. After heading to my room, I came back wearing the perfect disguise, something so bland and uninspiring…”

“This feels like it’s gonna be a dig on me,” Vanya said.

“I wore Vanya’s clothes.”

“There it is.”

“Yep. And now that I had the power to be invisible, everytime one of you stole the plaque, I replaced it with a fake one. And no one had any idea until the lights went out, revealing the secret message ‘heists are dumb’.” 

“Then we raced in here to blame Luther, and you got us.”

“Yep, and now here you all are, trapped under my thumb, because I have officially won the heist! There’s only one thing left to do.”

“Allison Hargreeves is the Ultimate Sibling/Genius,” The entire family said in unison, at the bar in the living room, as Allison now held the plaque in her hands, a crown on her head, and a cape draped around her neck.

“Thank you all. But, hey, Diego, what did you want us to do about that dog you used for the heist?”

“I say we keep him,” Diego suggested. “He can be the family dog.” The rest of the family agreed unanimously. “Now we need a name.”

“What about Mr. Pennycrumb?” Five said. “It’s not the most creative, but it’s a name.”

“Perfect!” Allison said. “But seriously you guys, I just wanted to say, I freakin’ love you losers. Merry Christmas!”

“Merry Christmas!” 

“Hey, Ally, take out your teeth.” Klaus said

“Yeah!” “Do it!” “Take them out!”

Then the siblings kept chanting, “Take out your teeth!” in repeat until Allison finally budged and removed her artificial teeth. The rest of the siblings cheered as Allison said, “I’m invincible!!!” 

Nothing better than this, a Hargreeves Family Christmas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, i know, it's really incredibly weird. honestly, you might have to watch the actual episode of brooklyn 99 to understand. but, hey, i worked hard on this, so i really hope you like it!

**Author's Note:**

> ooh! very fun! this is going to be very fun and very chaotic, but hey, who's the hargreeves family if they aren't chaotic 24/7?


End file.
